When you think about it rationally, moving in with a guy before you’re married makes plenty of sense.
You can test drive the relationship before you make any real commitment.
You can see what he’s like on a day-to-day basis.
You can share financial responsibilities.
You can get comfortable with living with him before marriage.
All of these are good reasons to move in with a guy, but there is one big reason you shouldn’t.
I’m going to tell you a personal story below, so hopefully you won’t take the big step of moving in before marriage.
It ruined my otherwise perfect relationship, and it could ruin yours.
She was absolutely perfect for me.
This was a girl that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with, and if not for one serious mistake, we very well might have gotten married.
Right after I had graduated from college and started a career, I met her through a mutual friend. She was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and basically my idea of who I was going to settle down with.
At the time, she was still in college pursuing her degree. I would visit her every weekend, anxious to leave the office every Friday and make the hour and a half trip to her campus. There was no resentment in me for having to do this. I did everything possible to spend time with her, and she would have done the same if not for her class schedule.
The winter before she graduated, we made the decision that she should move in with me. It wasn’t something that her or I had to think about deeply. It was simply part of a natural progression in the relationship, and a stepping stone towards marriage.
After graduation, our lives as co-inhabitants began. At first, everything started out perfectly. She had started working for a great organization in our hometown, and we spent our lazy evenings laughing, watching our favorite movies and shows, cooking, and making love. We planned trips together, went hiking, did yard work, and talked about how our future together was going to go.
If we had a son we were going to name him Calin.
For me to say that this was the quintessential romance is an understatement.
But after several years, some part of us started to dissolve. Where we had once planned marriage, now we questioned whether it would even happen. Where we once found joy in doing day to day activities together, now we only found tedium.
We no longer valued our time together.
After two and a half years of laughing, crying, playing, working, living, and loving we mutually decided that the relationship had run it’s course. It was the hardest thing we had ever been through, and sadly, the last thing.
If you want to know where our relationship went wrong, you can look at the point we moved in together.
Living with someone is a great way to get to know them, but it’s also a great way to ruin the beautiful unfolding of two souls joining together.
A common thought I held towards the end was, “Why should we marry? We have everything a married couple has right now.”
I regret moving in with her everyday. Not because she was difficult to live with, but because living with her made us stagnant people, and stagnant people are rarely motivated to move forward.
I realize that this post was different from what I usually write.
The truth is, I wouldn’t have written it if not for seeing this woman out tonight. Seeing her made me realize how much pain I still feel about the situation, and the different choices I would have made if confronted with them again.
So I urge you ladies, don’t move in with your boyfriend before you’re married. You may think it makes all the sense in the world, and in truth it does, but it also takes all of the wonderment and discovery out of being married.
Let this show you that not all common relationship advice is right. Don’t take Cosmo’s word for it. Don’t take Marie Claire’s word for it.
Don’t take my word for it.
Because, in the end, all you have is what feels right for you and your love.
I can give you advice, but in the end, what you feel will guide you in the right direction.